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30 March 2006
The Strange Case Of The Missing Inches
by George Atkinson

Week 23

Okay, I'll admit it, I messed up. When I began this column, I promised to provide an accurate accounting of the changes in the size of my dick and I'm here to say now that I've screwed up big time. I have failed in the first duty of the committed scientist - to obtain an accurate base measurement. I measured my length just fine but I did not measure my circumference. My excuses, pathetic as they may seem, are twofold:

  • I didn't really expect my dick to get any wider. Okay, okay, I know, according to the ads it's supposed to get wider. But then, it's supposed to be about eight inches long by now, so obviously you can't believe everything you read.
  • I didn't have a measuring tape that would wrap around my dick. I know that this is the lamest excuse ever. I could have used a piece of string and then laid the string against a ruler and that would have been that. If this was a formal piece of scientific inquiry I would be butchered upon peer review. I suppose I could have faked a base measurement but I would prefer to suffer charges of incompetence than compromise my integrity. Luckily for me this isn't a formal scientific inquiry and if you have a problem with my incompetence, hey... tough titties.

The bottom line is that my dick - against all expectations - is thicker. I know this because I can no longer shove my erect dick fully into a roll of toilet paper. Maybe shoving one's penis into a roll of toilet paper isn't scientific, but it's the best I can offer. My baseline measurement is a snug fit inside a roll of Cottonelle, bottoming out at just before my dick takes a slight flare at the base. The same roll of Cottonelle now bottoms out just below the head of my penis. You may ask how I came to be shoving my dick into a role of Cottonelle in the first place, and to that I can only reply, "Because it was there." At any rate we have a measure - however imperfect - of my changing thickness. I have actually measured my circumference now and it comes in at just a tick over 5 inches. So I assume before it was a tick under five inches.

So, how does stretching your dick make it wider? It's counter intuitive. I had a fear when I began this that I would end up with a pencil-dick. That is assuredly not the case. But how does it work? Well, I've done some research and I think the answer lies in the structure of the corpora cavernosa, the sponge-like tissues that make up the bulk of your tool. When you get an erection, these two chambers fill with blood, inflating and hardening you dick. The corpora cavernosa really is sponge-like, with the tissue going in all directions. So even though the dick is being stretched, the growth ultimately occurs in all directions. Now if some urologist told me that this was utter nonsense I'd defer, but it does seem to make sense. It would also explain why the head of my penis is not any bigger than it ever was. So growth continues, longer and thicker. My new goal is to fit snuggly into a roll of paper towels and after that, a can of tennis balls!

Week 24

Astute readers may recall that a few weeks ago I declared that I was officially hung. My penis had been stretched so much that even in the flaccid state it appeared large. I believed I had turned a corner and would never again be ashamed to whip off my pants in the company of men (you know what I mean). I had a big dangly dick that swayed when I walked and that's how it was gonna stay. Well, I'm here to tell you now that I take it all back.

I've been off the stretcher for the last couple of weeks as my wife's family came to stay, and I wasn't about to flit about the house with my dick strapped in a cage. It was the longest break I've had from the device since I started to wear it, and frankly, it was nice to have a break. But to my dismay, during this period, I have regressed. My pendulous penis seems to have returned to its former, rather inglorious petite state. Now, I should say that this layoff doesn't seem to have affected my erect size. My size increase in the erect state is pretty much what it was before, but the flaccid size has definitely diminished. I'm not sure why this would be the case but I've got a theory. I'm what is known euphemistically as a "grower". My dick in the flaccid state is much smaller relative to the erect state than is "normal". While I was wearing the stretcher my dick was in a constant state of injury and repair and this had the effect of making my penis hang larger. After I stopped, the penis reverted to its normal shriveled state. It's interesting to note that because the skin on my dick has been stretched, my shrunken flaccid penis has an excess of skin and resembles a Shar-paige.

It could also be a hormonal thing. I'm in my mid-forties now and I've noticed that I go through... periods. During these periods I have less interest in sex. I grab my wife's breasts less, whack-off less frequently and am generally much better behaved. The downside is that my dick shrivels like a salted slug. I may have just gone through one of these periods. It's hard to say, as even at full sexual throttle it's generally bad form to fondle your wife in front of her family.

At any rate the in-laws are gone and I'm back on the stretcher. Time will tell if I'll have a swinging dick again. But one thing is certain, before I weigh in with my Quarterly State of the Penis report I'm going to take an extended amount of time off the rack, to see if the effects really are permanent.

Catch-up with the other episodes in Paul's Extender Experience.

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