9 February 2006
Enlarger Malfunction – Letting It All Hang Out
by George Atkinson
I checked out the Pro Extender website recently to see what was up. Not much, apparently, but I did check out the "before and after" pics for the first time. Very impressive, although I'm a little puzzled by the lack of pubic hair. Is shaving the norm these days? If so... ewww. I'm always a little suspicious of before and after photos, in part because they can so easily be photoshopped, and also because the before picture and after picture always look like they're different models. Penis size is also highly variable depending on the situation. Post-cold shower versus post-full body massage, for example. But I'm going to assume that everything is on the up-and-up with the Pro Extender people and take these pics on face value. Some observations:
- I'm still very much a "before" guy.
- Some of the gains are truly impressive. (Although some of the "after" pictures were with the extenders on - which doesn't count. Even I can look like Tommy Lee with my extender on.)
- The models always, to a man, wear their extenders in the "down" position.
Now I've always worn my extender "up". I've got several reasons for this:
- It's more comfortable. In the down position the glans (head) rubs against the cloth of my pants.
- It's less visible. True, you have to wear baggy sweatshirts or sweaters to cover the bulge but at least you can do this. In the down position you're exposed (unless you wear a coat like Neo's from The Matrix). I'll admit that if I'm just standing around, the down position is pretty well concealed, but when I walk, the edge of the extender pushes against the cloth. It looks... well... like I've got a penis extender shoved down my pants.
- It's safer. If my dick slips out, the extender stays in place long enough for me to slink into some back alley and pull it out.
- If I get a hard-on, it's completely contained. Man, what I would have done for this when I was a teenager. I swear I spent half my high school days stooped over with my books strategically placed over my left thigh. In the down position a hard-on could be a problem. Not just in terms of visibility, but also discomfort. I may be in my middle years but when I get a woody, it wants to go up, not down.
Anyway, I decided to spend a day in the "down" position, just to see how the other half live. I wore really baggy pants that seemed to conceal the extender in every position except leaping in the air with my legs spread (which I could presumably forgo - for a day, anyway). The rubbing of the glans wasn't as much of a problem as I remembered. I could also wear it with a button-up shirt tucked in! Maybe this was the way to go. The only problems were climbing stairs (difficult) and tying my shoes (impossible). Still, as long as my shoelaces didn't come undone, I'd probably be okay.
I ventured out mid-afternoon to the local market to pick up some stuff for dinner. All went well. No loose laces, no hard-ons. I bought my groceries and headed home. Standing at an intersection with my invisible extender hanging down, I began to see why most men seem to wear it this way. Then the light changed, I took several strides into the street and my dick slipped out.
Now, in the "up" position, you normally get a warning when your penis is about to slip out. Sometimes your dick hangs in for several minutes. Sometimes you've got mere seconds, but it's generally enough time to duck into some private corner. I've become quite adept at looking left, looking right, then snaking my hand into my pants and whipping out my dick-stretcher cool-as-you-please.
Not in this case. One second I was whistling Elvis Costello, the next - thanks to my "relax fit" chinos - my dick stretcher was accelerating towards the pavement at 9.8 meters/second2. By the time I looked down, it was looking up at me. Had I been with friends, or in an office meeting, the jig would have been up. But as I was just an anonymous face in the crowd, my dick could have fallen to the pavement and nobody would have cared. So I stooped down with Superman swiftness, popped the rig into my shopping bag, and thanked providence for preserving my dignity.
So, dear readers, that's it for experimentation. I'm happy to suffer for journalism but George Plimpton himself wouldn't wear his dick stretcher "down" after an experience like that. From now on I'm just an "up" kind of guy.
Catch-up with the other episodes in Paul's Extender Experience.