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28 November 2005
The Quarterly State Of The Penis Report
by George Atkinson

I've been wearing the Pro Extender for 13 weeks now. Over this time I've provided a weekly account of my experiences. Most of these have been qualitative in nature. It's time now to get quantitative. That means hard data, folks. I'm not wearing this thing as a fashion statement. I want a bigger dick and it's time to find out if that's what I'm going to be getting.

The literature promoting the Pro Extender boasts a 24 percent increase in penis length (18 percent increase in circumference) over three months. Starting with 6 inches, I should be sporting a 7.5 inch bat. Not quite Tommy Lee but close. So let's get the measuring tape out and see how close I've come.

6-1/8th inches! I've spent the last three months with my dick strapped in a cage for one-eighth of an inch! Well, yes and no. This is a quarterly report. Not only do you get the numbers. You get analysis! Read on.

Firstly the figures supplied by Pro Extender are dependent upon the subject adhering to the stated guidelines. These are: The Pro Extender must be worn 6-12 hours daily at between 900 and 1200 grams of tension. One has to assume that the quoted results were obtained by those who maintained themselves at the high end of these guidelines. The most time at the maximum tension delivers the best results.

So, how have I adhered to these guidelines? Well... not very well. Regarding the numbers of hours, I've fallen well short of the minimum. Why? Well, a number of reasons. First of all there was that week I abstained from usage to give my penis a well needed rest. Secondly... This thing is a bitch to wear. It's not that it hurts. It's not that you can't wear it in a variety of circumstances. It's just that factors of all kinds, combine to mitigate against its usage. These are:

  1. Wind. I can wear this thing in public but only if there's no wind blowing. Wind pushes your clothes against you, compressing the fabric around the apparatus and making it appears as if you have something shoved down your pants, which hey... you do! Now this is a seasonal problem. As the cold weather hits, I'll be wearing bulkier clothing, sweaters and sweatshirt, that, as gangstas know, are better at concealing things shoved down you pants. Already, in the last couple of weeks, I've been wearing the device more.

  2. Duration. I've learned that any activity requiring a constant wear of more than two hours is untenable. This means movies, dinners, lunches, concerts, parties, meetings. Even a protracted shopping excursion is out. Sure, I know I can excuse myself and go to the washroom and... er... relieve myself. But then what? I no longer have a device shoved down the front of my pants, I have the same said device shoved into my pocket where it looks almost as stupid and feels even less comfortable. I could do this but... what can I say? I don't. And neither I'm guessing would most people.

  3. Activity. The device can be worn for almost any activity except the following: Driving a car. Riding a bike. Going number one. Going number two. Playing sports - any kind of strenuous activity really. Any activity involving the likelihood of falling. Cooking is forbidden too, though I'm not sure why. To this list I'll add: Any activity that involves placing the torso at an acute angle to the legs. Bending down and picking up stuff is a problem. Tying your laces involves contorting your body in ways I would not want captured in a photograph.

  4. Sleep. You can wear the Pro Extender while asleep but I don't. Firstly, sleep is my sanctuary away from the annoyances of the day and the Pro Extender is an annoyance. Secondly, I'm a light sleeper. I get up every night to pee and removing this device brings me to a level of consciousness that makes it hard to fall back asleep. Thirdly, if I'm sleeping I have no way of ascertaining if this thing is on too tight. During waking hours, I'm constantly checking to make sure my dick isn't being strangled. I would feel really stupid if my penis became gangrenous and had to be amputated.

  5. Vigilance. You've got to be on top of this. You only need to remove this thing for a few minutes before you're ready to strap it in again. But it's so easy for those few minutes to turn into a few hours. You start on another activity and the device is sitting upstairs in a drawer and you think, "Hmm, I should strap my dick back in." But your favorite show has just started or you're headed to the corner store and it's two flights of stairs and two hours later you remember but by that time it's close to bedtime and tomorrow you promise yourself you'll wear it all day. But tomorrow turns out to be remarkably like today. And so it goes.

The above factors are defacto vetoes against usage. You may be able to wear this thing for a thousand individual activities but if for any of these activities one of these factors comes into play you're simply not going to wear it.

Then there's the tension. The guidelines suggest between 900 and 1200 grams of constant tension. When strapping this thing on I aim for 1200. But over time, the silicone tubing that holds the penis in place begins to slacken. Often when I do a spot check, I'll see that the tension has fallen to between 600 and 900 grams. Not much can be done about this except for removing then re-tightening. It's a hassle to do this so I often don't.

Realistically, I've probably been wearing this contraption an average of 4 hours daily at I'm guessing, an average of 900 grams of tension. Assuming the estimate of 1.5 inches is based on 12 hours daily at 1200 grams of tension, and assuming these variables are strictly linear I should still have achieved a gain of a third of an inch. What's with the 1/8th of an inch? Well that brings us to:

The measurement of 6 1/8 inches was of a rather tepid erection. You may recall that the baseline measurement of six inches was taken from an erection that was full to bursting. Given the variability in erection strength and resultant measurements, this made sense but I confess I'm no longer capable of achieving Tungsten steel erections at the slightest hint of cleavage. I'm 46 years old (yeah, yeah, I know what you young 'uns are thinking. 46?! What does he even need a dick for?) and getting a hard-on that would deflect a bullet has become something of a periodic pleasure. For all I know it could follow a lunar cycle. I've never actually figured it out. In fact the only time I'm guaranteed a fully billowed sail is when I'm actually... well... er... doing it. And I confess I have neither the inclination nor the nerve to stop cold, whip out the ruler and say, "Sorry Babe, science calls."

My penis may only have measured 1/8th of an inch longer, but I can tell that it's bigger. It feels bigger. It looks bigger. My wife doesn't notice any difference but then she's a member of the "It's Not What You Have It's How You Use It And You Use It Very Well Now Goodnight Dear Club," so her judgment is not to be trusted. I know I'm falling back on anecdotal evidence but I don't doubt my judgment here. Something is happening. For instance my stretched dick is now 6.5 inches. Three quarters of an inch longer than when I started. I'm not prepared to say at this point that this is a permanent change. There could be new cell growth or this could just be the result of tissue damage and the process of repair. But it's definitely bigger. 6.25 inches at least, maybe more. Not John Holmes maybe, but bigger than I was and that by itself is a remarkable thing. There is hope out there and in the coming weeks and months I will continue to document my progress.

I have just taken a second measurment. 6.25 inches. (Thanks, Sylvia Saint) Not where I wanted to be perhaps but better than where I was.

Catch-up with the other episodes in Paul's Extender Experience.

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