9 January 2006
Donít Stick It In There!
by Paul A.
I love my dick. I really do. I mean sure, I wish it was bigger; I wish it was obedient; I canít count the number of times itís caused me at least some disappointment. But on the whole Iím super glad that itís there and I would never intentionally put it in harmís way. So it always comes as something of a shock when I read about the terrible, terrible things that some men do to their dicks.
Now it should be noted that most of these terrible, terrible things are completely unintentional if somewhat short-sighted. The urology journals are replete with case after case of horror stories told in the most clinical and detached manner of men who had no idea when they woke up in the morning that they would be undergoing penile reconstruction surgery before nightfall. In the interests of brevity let me summarize with a few simple rules, which if followed, will significantly reduce your chances of succumbing to this fate.
The above rules cover most instances of penile trauma though certainly not all. People are unbelievably creative in the things they do with their dicks and bad luck plays its own role. Setting your penis on fire as a no-miss party gag (yes, it has been done) is fairly avoidable. Wearing a metallic penile adornment that can act as a conduit for a lightning strike is less foreseeable.
- Always remember that your penis and testicles are soft tissue through and through. Thereís no bone to stop the blade/teeth/saw/gears/fan/propeller from cutting/grinding/chopping/smashing/avulsing (grind up in machinery)/pulverizing your poor penis into little bits.
- Never cook/ski/fight/drive/saw/weld/slam doors/operate machinery/play with the cat/dog/ lean over anything moving - in the nude.
- Never stick you penis through a hole in a fence unless youíre very sure of your footing.
- Never piss on anything near a sign that reads ďDanger - High Voltage.Ē
- Never stick your dick into any orifice that wasnít designed for the purpose.
- Always - if you must disregard rule five - check said orifice first. This includes knot holes in trees. Knot holes are often nested by creatures who may misinterpret your intentions.
- Never accept oral sex in a moving vehicle. I know, I know, itís a right of passage. Iím just saying...
- Never attempt to leap over furniture whilst sporting an erection. Hard things can be broken and Iím not talking about the furniture. I know, I know, Iíve done it myself. Iím just saying...
- Never, stick a revolver into the waistband of your pants no matter how cool it looks on TV. Every man has thought about what could happen and Iím here to tell you... It happens.
- Never teach your dog to eat food off your dick no matter how funny everyone thinks it is. Iím willing to bet a significant portion of the population has done this to no ill effect but there have been cases where Rover has taken some extreme liberties.
- Always seek medical help as quickly as possible after dick-injury, NO MATTER HOW EMBARRASSED YOU ARE. Delays in seeking treatment are probably the number one avoidable cause of permanent dick damage. Okay, youíve done something really stupid and now your dickís all fucked up. A moment of abashment is in no way equal to a lifetime of peeing sitting down.
- Always be careful with that zipper.
- Never engage in games of one-upmanship over who can suspend the greatest weight from his dick.
- Never masturbate if youíve been working with super-glue.
- Never masturbate with anything thatís plugged in to a mains socket.
Thereís a whole class of injuries that Iíll call ĎIf a little is good then a lot must be better.í Under this category Iíll include overdoses of Viagra and Papavarine (an impotence drug that is injected directly into the penis). The danger is that they can induce a priapism, a condition where blood is unable to drain from the erect penis. Iíll write more about priapisms in a future column, but suffice to say that the condition is painful and can lead to tissue death if left untreated. In this category we could also include moving up from a battery operated vibrator to the rubber pad of an orbital sander. Penis extenders could induce ischemia (strangulation) if worn too tightly for too long. Moderation, as in all things, is the key.
Then there are those injuries that are deliberately induced. Usually, these involve some degree of mental instability and thereís little I can add except to say that thereís a million irrational reasons to hurt your dick and a million ways of doing it. Believe me when I say that, one-by-one, theyíre being explored.
Med Help - The Penis