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26 June 2006
Auto-Fellatio: If You Want Something Done Right, Do It Yourself
by Paul Aitken

Q. Why do dogs lick their own crotch?
A. Because they can.

Admit it. If you could you would. At the very least you'd try it. In fact I'd hazard a guess that every man since the dawn of time has made at least a half-hearted attempt at it. Few succeed. Most don't even come close. I gave up after my first attempt. The head of my dick was at least 6 inches away and I knew there was as much hope of closing that gap as there was in executing a standing backflip from the ground onto the roof of my house. I refer of course to auto-fellatio (and no I'm not talking about getting a blow-job in a car everybody's done that), the art/talent/ability of being able to suck one's own dick. And I don't mean just being able to touch the pee-hole with the tip of your extended tongue, although that in itself would be a considerable achievement. To be capable of auto-fellatio one must be able to insert at least a portion of one's penis into one's mouth. I could go further and define it as being able to bring oneself to orgasm orally but I think that would be unfairly stacking the deck. In my view, if you can wet the end with your lips you get to wear the t-shirt.

How many guys can do it? According to Kinsey, less than 1 percent are capable of full-insertion, but even this figure may be an exaggeration. One of the main defects in Kinsey's data is that much of it was obtained through self-reportage and one of the absolute certainties in life - equivalent to death and taxes and the sun rising in the morning - is that men will exaggerate their sexual prowess. "Suck my own dick? Sure man, I do it every morning before breakfast." And hey, in truth, if I could bob my head down and flick the tip with my tongue I'd probably make the same claim.

The ability to go down on oneself depends on three crucial variables: a) spinal flexibility, b) spinal length and c) dick length. Of these three variables, spinal flexibility is probably the most important. To fellate myself, I would need a dick at least 12 inches long and even then I'd barely get the head in my mouth. Guys with 12 inch dicks are fewer than one-in-a-million but I'm willing to bet that even accounting for exaggeration, the proportion of self-suckers is higher than that. Some guys just have a naturally flexible spine. There are contortionists out there who can lick their balls and scratch their ears with their hind legs. I've seen pictures of guys who can deep-throat themselves. It ain't pretty but it's damn impressive. Most successful self-suckers, however, probably have some combination of all three variables, although logically any one (in the extreme) would be enough. Ron Jeremy, the legendary porn star (aka "the Hedgehog") may not have been able to lock his knees behind his head (and if he could I sure wouldn't want to see it) but he's short, sports a ten-inch dick and in his case that's all it takes. Likewise there are no doubt guys out there with dicks of such length that they can't bend down to pick up a pen without poking themselves in the eye.

But if spinal flexibility is the most important variable, is it possible, with sufficient commitment, to train oneself over time? Can a guy like me, average height, average dick length - who can't touch his toes without wincing - ever join such an exclusive club? I personally have my doubts but a lot of people think it is possible and they've got the anecdotal evidence to prove it. The answer apparently is yoga and plenty of it. Now, yoga proponents have been known to make claims for their passion that rival those of ginseng advocates and magnetic therapy dealers. In other words, skeptical caution is advised. But the claims they make for increased flexibility, particularly with Iyengar style yoga, appear to have merit. The average beer drinking couch potato, with sufficient training, really can learn to tie himself in a knot. The problem with yoga, of course, is that it involves subjecting oneself to a whole program, a philosophy even. You can't just walk into a yoga class and say: "Here's my fifty bucks. I just want to learn the part that will enable me to suck my own dick."

So, if you just want to learn to blow yourself without getting into the extraneous stuff like lotus position and the oneness-of-being and all that, try this: Lie on your back. Swing your legs over your head as far as you can. If it helps, rest the souls of your feet against a vertical surface. Maintain that position. Relax with it. If in this position you want to think about the oneness of being... good for you. But ruminating on the office floozy or watching sports upside down will do the trick just as well. What you shouldn't do in this position is to entertain thoughts of sucking your dick anytime soon. Patience, me lad, is an absolute requirement. Stretching one's spine is a slow process and takes a great deal of practice. And it's very easy to injure yourself if you go too far. Pain of any degree is a no-no and is a sure sign that your reach is exceeding your grasp. Rule one: back off if it doesn't feel right.

But with sufficient practice, possibly months, probably years, you should at some point, (assuming no deficiency in the other two variables) be able to at least give it a lick. You may even, depending on your starting point, be able to perform a meaningful act. Now I personally can't imagine ever being able to actually enjoy the act of auto-fellatio. I certainly can't imagine sucking myself to orgasm, but guys do it; or at least they claim to. Part of the problem in my view is that the discomfort of the position would surely obliterate any erotic notions I could work up. Then there's the problem with the tongue. It's on the wrong side. The most sensitive part of the penis is the frenulum, located just below the glans on the front of the penis. A similar problem exists with the 69 position. The only effective stimulation available is head bobbing, which is fine... I'm not about to come down negatively on head-bobbing, but when your legs are over your head and your spine is folded like a lawn chair, having to "bob" yourself to orgasmic suck-cess just seems like too much work. And what happens when you achieve the pinnacle as it were? You gotta have a plan, buddy. Do you spit... or do you swallow?

But according to those fortunate few with the tenacity and natural ability to go all the way, auto-fellatio is the masturbatory ideal. It's even been described in quasi-religious/philosophical tones using terms like "nirvana" and "infinite regress" and, by golly, "the oneness of being." There are a plethora of websites devoted exclusively to the wonders of self-fellatio. Part of this is a gay thing. Auto-fellatio involves giving and receiving oral sex. There is excitement on both levels and according to practitioners it's possible to swing back and forth. Nirvana is achieved when one is able to occupy the nexus between the two. Indeed most of the websites centered on auto-fellatio are gay focused. This doesn't mean that if you enjoy sucking your dick you're gay. Auto-fellatio is to oral sex what whacking-off is to a hand-job. It's the end that counts, not the means.

Is auto-fellatio for you? Well that will depend to some extent on your natural talent but mostly on your ability to keep your eye on the prize. Some guys want to circumnavigate the globe. Others aspire to be the 2000th guy to climb Everest. There are greater and lesser goals to be sure, but if your dream is to plant a kiss on ol' glory, then God speed buddy and take care.

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