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#10353 - 07/08/09 12:32 PM "I want us to be more than good friends"
mugwump1 Offline
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Registered: 06/30/09
Posts: 501
Loc: UK
I looked to see if there was a thread about this, but didn't spot one - feel free to merge if there is. I think it's worth having one if it hasn't been discussed.

I imagine most of us have been there. You've known her for months or years, you're relaxed in each other's company, you can crack each other up all evening exchanging banter. Suddenly the bombshell drops - wow, she's lovely, and you want her.

So now what the hell do you do? You don't want her thinking you insinuated yourself into her company just to get off with her, you don't want to risk losing her as a friend if the answer's no, and you don't want the multiplied anxiety from a rebuff of being unattractive to someone you've already a close bond with.

I love female company and I pride myself on being seen as a guy who won't abuse their trust, give them a hard time or take advantage when they can barely stagger out of the door. And sometimes I still find myself melting away as I look at her. Anyone have illuminating insights or experiences to offer for getting it right?
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#10399 - 07/08/09 06:43 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: mugwump1]
Firefly Offline
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Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 4087
Loc: United States
That can be difficult for sure. I don't really have any advice- I just wanted you to know that "just friends" can evolve into something more. Thats what me and my husband were for many years. I always thought he was attractive- but a bit strange. But he was nice and fun and I regulated him to the "just friends" room.

Then about 2 1/2 yrs later- it evolved into something more. I'm very sad to say that it was alcohol that encouraged us to cross the line! How cliche. smile And we were both a bit confused for awhile. Now- here we are- married almost 11 yrs!


Edited by Firefly (07/08/09 06:44 PM)
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#10403 - 07/08/09 08:05 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Firefly]
jiji Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 04/10/09
Posts: 330
Although I can't speak from personal experience (obviously), I suspect a good portion of couplings start off as "just friends". I'm sure it's a pretty common predicament for one friend to discover they have latent feelings for the other. I'd go so far as to say that the best, and longest-lasting relationships start off this way. That's because the two friends are so familiar with each other and comfortable with each other, it feels quite natural to take things to the next level. Sure, there are those spontaneous relationships where sex happens early and the pair, through further interaction, sexual and non-sexual, figure out that they click. But there's still that period of friendship and mutual discovery that preceeds anything long term.

Although at its worst, a wrong move in a situation like this can sever a friendship, I'd say there's only one way to find out whether the friendship can blossom into something more. I'd suggest "testing the water" with subtle hints that you're interested in possibly taking the friendship to the next level--maybe offering to pay for dinner, sending her flowers at work, typical dating stuff. She should get the hint, and if she's interested she'll make it clear. If she's not, I'm sure she won't let things go so far as to ruin the friendship, and if nothing else, I'd venture to guess that deep down inside, she'd feel flattered that you felt that way about her. After all, everyone loves to feel loved.

The risk of rejection is never easy to stomach, but it's a possibility we face in every pursuit. At least if handled correctly, you'll know whether or not a deeper relationship was meant to be, without jeopardizing the one you have now.
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#10952 - 07/15/09 02:23 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: jiji]
Juls Offline
member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 109
Loc: The "Hills" Have Eye's
Quote:
The risk of rejection is never easy to stomach, but it's a possibility we face in every pursuit. At least if handled correctly, you'll know whether or not a deeper relationship was meant to be, without jeopardizing the one you have now.


Very well said! I have always lived by "you'll never know till you try" and "the worst you can get told is no"

Mu hubby, of 16 years, and I started out as friends. Which is how and why I took it to the next level with him. I trusted him. And for me to trust a man WAS something huge! Have you spoke to her about this yet?

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#10960 - 07/15/09 03:26 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Juls]
mugwump1 Offline
addict

Registered: 06/30/09
Posts: 501
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Juls
Have you spoke to her about this yet?

Me? No, it's no-one special at present, but it's a situation I'm pretty sure I'll find myself in again at some point: I just seem to be wired that way. So I thought I'd ask in advance! smile
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#10964 - 07/15/09 03:51 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: mugwump1]
Juls Offline
member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 109
Loc: The "Hills" Have Eye's
hahaha...better be safe than sorry eh?....

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#10966 - 07/15/09 04:04 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Juls]
mugwump1 Offline
addict

Registered: 06/30/09
Posts: 501
Loc: UK
Indeed. There's obviously no sure-fire formula, but a few gentle dating-type hints seems a good suggestion, it's more my pace than throwing her over the copier. smile
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#10967 - 07/15/09 04:12 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: mugwump1]
Juls Offline
member

Registered: 03/18/08
Posts: 109
Loc: The "Hills" Have Eye's
Originally Posted By: mugwump1
it's more my pace than throwing her over the copier. smile


Then again, being throw over the copier doesn't sound so bad!!!!

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#10970 - 07/15/09 04:18 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Juls]
mugwump1 Offline
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Registered: 06/30/09
Posts: 501
Loc: UK
I know, but others might not be so accommodating. smile
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#11263 - 07/22/09 04:08 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: mugwump1]
Penis B. Little Offline
veteran

Registered: 12/04/08
Posts: 1148
Originally Posted By: mugwump1
I looked to see if there was a thread about this, but didn't spot one - feel free to merge if there is. I think it's worth having one if it hasn't been discussed.

I imagine most of us have been there. You've known her for months or years, you're relaxed in each other's company, you can crack each other up all evening exchanging banter. Suddenly the bombshell drops - wow, she's lovely, and you want her.

So now what the hell do you do? You don't want her thinking you insinuated yourself into her company just to get off with her, you don't want to risk losing her as a friend if the answer's no, and you don't want the multiplied anxiety from a rebuff of being unattractive to someone you've already a close bond with.

I love female company and I pride myself on being seen as a guy who won't abuse their trust, give them a hard time or take advantage when they can barely stagger out of the door. And sometimes I still find myself melting away as I look at her. Anyone have illuminating insights or experiences to offer for getting it right?

I only wish I could remember what I actually said to this girl .She was a good friend of mine for about 2 years and after every weekend she would tell me in great detail what her sexual escapades were like.We were good friends but then I started to get feeling what the heck was wrong with me that she considered all these other guys as boyfriends and me as only a friend. I think I got tough on her and came right out and said that she better watch out because I was a guy also and I may not be around the rest of my life being treated like a friend.I think I put a little independence into her mind like I might not be around for her to talk to.All I know is within 48 hours she was over my house offering to have sex with me. I knew that she was a very loose girl and I would probably end up wanting to hang myself because
after 2 or 3 weeks she would be out screwing some other guy after she got bored with me. So turning the whole situation into a total ego boost for me and me completely dominating her,I told her that I was like a spider and she was someone that got caught in my web.But since I happen to know her, I was going to let her go.LOL I was only like 19 or 20 years old and a virgin.She had sex with alot of guys and I thought she was going to end up messing over my mind because of my size because I remember her making remarks about some guy who " was so big"tee hee tee hee.
So we ended up being friends again but I really didn't feel like talking to her anymore.


Edited by Penis B. Little (07/22/09 04:09 PM)
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#11307 - 07/23/09 06:39 AM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Penis B. Little]
secondchance Offline
member

Registered: 07/21/09
Posts: 135
both of my guys are friends. We are trying to keep it at friends who are more.

And I'd be up for being thrown over a copier/ couch/ car hood/ tree trunk in the woods with either one! (though it is more one's style over the other.)

One was verbally clear about his attraction. He came out and said he found me "devastatingly attractive" (add that to thinking I was 30, not 40, and asking was I a member of Mensa, and he had me, really). I thought of him as attractive, but once he put it out there, I began to realize I found him hot. really hot. Like I can't wait to get naked with him hot. and this was a wandering along on a a walk discussion.

The other man made a joke about blowing off a job and getting drunk and ravishing each other. I said there was only one flaw in the plan...I don't drink.
He thought it was a joke. but we both looked at each other with that eh? OH! look.
We went to eat after the show and got to talking on a new level.
By the end of the night we knew we were on a collision course.

So yeah, friends can evolve into more.

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#12956 - 08/23/09 05:53 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: secondchance]
elrey123 Offline
newbie

Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 44
I recently posted about this subject on another thread...
http://www.altpenis.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=12824#Post12824

If that wasn't enough, this past weekend I got with a long time friend.... who just so happens to be my best friend's sister, lol. There is a bit of an age gap - i'm 24, she's 19 - but I've known her for about 10 years (how long I've been friends with her brother).

She had a b/f for 5 years, but apparently the last year was rocky because he started slacking at school, gained a bunch of weight from partying, etc. Suffice it to say that they broke up earlier in the summer, because they didn't want to deal with a long distance relationship after having all these recent troubles.

But this past weekend I went to a concert with her and her brother. We had a few drinks, and within like an hour or two she was literally all over me, it was kind of shocking! She basically confessed that she's liked me for years and despite having a b/f, always wanted to get with me. Mind you, her brother was there as this was happening, so that was a bit awkward, but I think he was okay with it - I talked to him the next day and he realizes I'm not trying to play or hurt his sister.

Now I'm left to wonder where it might be headed. We were kind of interrupted during the night and didn't have a chance to get a bit more intimate. And she's already heading back to school about 5 hours away, didn't even get a chance to see her after the night of the concert.

Clearly I wouldn't try to hold her down, and I want her to have fun and enjoy the college experience. I'm just looking forward to seeing her again, because I think her (any my) desire may be a little stronger considering we were cut off at an inopportune time. She sent me a text the next day saying something along the lines of, "clearly last night opened up a whole new possible scenario for us"...

I guess we shall see how this slowly develops over time.

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#12990 - 08/24/09 06:53 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: elrey123]
Arkhan Offline
member

Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 140
Loc: Texas
Just friends is the sad Hell hole I exist in.
I've known her(to some degree) for 11 years and 4 years ago suddenly realized I love her to death. We very rarely see each other tho since then, so even theoretical progress moves at a snail's pace..... Stupid spiteful life....
But I think among all our shared friends we trust each other and each other's judgment more than anyone else's, and that, I'd say, is something.
Anyhow, good to hear something good can come from this.
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#12995 - 08/24/09 09:13 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Arkhan]
elrey123 Offline
newbie

Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 44
Originally Posted By: Arkhan
Just friends is the sad Hell hole I exist in.
I've known her(to some degree) for 11 years and 4 years ago suddenly realized I love her to death. We very rarely see each other tho since then, so even theoretical progress moves at a snail's pace..... Stupid spiteful life....
But I think among all our shared friends we trust each other and each other's judgment more than anyone else's, and that, I'd say, is something.
Anyhow, good to hear something good can come from this.


I hear you, Arkhan... Just keep the faith, but know if something doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world. I've been involved in both scenarios more than a few times. Definitely sucks if the feelings aren't reciprocated, but if you find someone who does, it could be something special.

I think girls naturally are attracted to better quality guys as they get older and mature a bit. Almost all of them seem to go through that 'asshole' phase to some degree, lol.

I'm with you about being apart, and things moving at a snail's pace. Like I said in my last post, this girl I got with is going away to college and I will probably see her 3x all year. I know she likes me, but she is unbelievably gorgeous and I also know she will be getting a lot of attention from the boys at school. I don't think she is really shallow, but I don't think I'm the best looking guy around, lol. So we'll see what happens. I just hope it wasn't a one time deal because we already have a strong emotional attachment to one another from being friends for so long.

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#14153 - 09/23/09 04:29 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: elrey123]
nitevision Offline
stranger

Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 4
Loc: SEA
Hi all, 
I'll just go straight to the point here, alright? And since my best friend-slash-therapist is MIA at the moment, I figured I'd post this up here to get some help instead of waiting idly.
We are both the same age and have known each other for years. She feels pretty comfortable around me, and is friendly too. We can talk pretty freely, and she trusts me quite a lot. 
But here's where the problem comes in. I do not know where we stand as far as our relationship goes (friends only/something else), and there doesn't seem to be another way other than to ask her directly (which would probably lead to embarrasment).
She seems to be quite popular with the guys too. And while she gets along well with me, she probably does with them as well, adding to the confusion and ache. She might be mildly interested in me, but then again my perception might be skewed.
Public exams are in November. Next month there will be a graduation ceremony thing (no prom-sad, I know), and I fully expect someone on my personal "competitors" list (this whole business has made me a little paranoid) to make a move. (Jealousy, yes. I am doing my best to change that.)

I plan to ask her out, or at least make a confession in December, after the public exams are over, as she is the studious type and I understand how crucial it is for her mental state to be undisturbed during this period.

I am going to fight till the finish, and during this 10-day school break I'm having right now (last one before the exams) I have been planning, planning and planning. What to do, mental preparation, etc.

I admit I am a little low on self confidence (working on improving it as we speak)

So, my main question is this: Assuming she has the "just friends" mindset, What will be the best move from here on out? What strategy/approach should I adopt? What mindset should I be in? How do I create opportunities for myself?

Hope this isn't too long/difficult to answer.

Cheers,
NV

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#14186 - 09/24/09 04:04 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: nitevision]
Simi
Unregistered


I am a bit confused, here, Nite...

You are asking now - in September - how to go about asking a girl out in December?

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#14188 - 09/24/09 04:31 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: ]
nitevision Offline
stranger

Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 4
Loc: SEA
Huh. I guess I am. Perhaps I am planning too early.
But still, my main issue is similar to mugwump's original post. And now I need guidance on the how to approach this issue. Perhaps I should take a chill pill?

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#14189 - 09/24/09 05:05 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: nitevision]
Simi
Unregistered


You feel you can't just ask her?

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#14192 - 09/24/09 06:56 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: ]
Firefly Offline
Esteemed Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 4087
Loc: United States
All you can do is ask. The worst that can happen is that she isn't interested. I know, its not fun being rejected, but really the only way to know for sure is to ask her.

If you want, maybe try to be a bit low-key at first. Test the waters and see if she would like to chill sometime with just you, and no one else around. Maybe doing something you are both interested in-- or coffee or lunch or something. Those choices are a bit more relaxed then say-- dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Though I have to say, I think you are putting WAY too much planning into this. (you mention you have been planning and planning and planning. How about...doing and doing and doing instead.)

While its not easy to pluck up the courage to ask-- this really isn't a difficult situation. Either she likes you more then a friend, or she doesn't. Its as simple (and as difficult) as that.

What it gets down to is taking a risk. Are you willing to take that risk- or would you rather stew about it for months?

Does she give you any indication that she may be interested? Because women tend to send out all kinds of signals when their interested. The ironic thing is, men aren't very good at reading them. Either they completely miss the attraction signs-- or they mistake friendliness for sexual interest. Seems like theres no in between!


Edited by Firefly (09/24/09 06:58 PM)
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#14199 - 09/24/09 07:40 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Firefly]
Arkhan Offline
member

Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 140
Loc: Texas
Oh, no.... That's not the worst that can happen. A lot of solid awkwardness can happen too, and in my book that's a hell of a lot worse.

If it was just ask and she's not interested, sure. Fine. No problem.


And yea, we're totally crap at reading signals.
The number of times I've thought friendly might be something else is probably the same as the number of times I've discovered friends were very into me and I was just oblivious....


Edited by Arkhan (09/24/09 07:43 PM)
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#14201 - 09/24/09 07:56 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Arkhan]
Firefly Offline
Esteemed Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 4087
Loc: United States
Awkwardness won't kill you. Yeah- it doesn't feel good for anyone, but even if thats the worst that could happen-- its doable.

A bit of awkwardness is better then wasting months of your time agonizing over it.

And anyways-- awkwardness passes.

When you think about it-- theres probably all kinds of awkwardness already, not knowing what you should dare to say or do. A lot of people who are attracted to each other-- feel a certain amount of awkwardness in the beginning.


Edited by Firefly (09/24/09 07:59 PM)
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#14202 - 09/24/09 08:02 PM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Arkhan]
JimInPhila Offline

veteran

Registered: 01/19/09
Posts: 795
Loc: Phila. PA
"And yea, we're totally crap at reading signals.
The number of times I've thought friendly might be something else is probably the same as the number of times I've discovered friends were very into me and I was just oblivious...."

Ain't that the truth!

Signed, Clueless in Philadelphia

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#14214 - 09/25/09 02:53 AM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: JimInPhila]
nitevision Offline
stranger

Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 4
Loc: SEA
Quote:
Does she give you any indication that she may be interested? Because women tend to send out all kinds of signals when their interested. The ironic thing is, men aren't very good at reading them. Either they completely miss the attraction signs-- or they mistake friendliness for sexual interest. Seems like theres no in between!


She might be, but then again I might be misinterpreting them. (Yeah, totally crap) So what do I need to look out for? And how do I prevent myself from mistaking friendliness for something else?

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#14228 - 09/25/09 09:52 AM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: nitevision]
nitevision Offline
stranger

Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 4
Loc: SEA
Guess I didn't have to ask that. Nice article, firefly.


Edited by nitevision (09/25/09 09:59 AM)

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#14297 - 09/26/09 01:01 AM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: nitevision]
Firefly Offline
Esteemed Member

Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 4087
Loc: United States
Lol! Thank you. smile
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#34916 - 10/28/11 10:57 AM Re: "I want us to be more than good friends" [Re: Firefly]
SirFoggy Offline
member

Registered: 10/03/11
Posts: 110
Loc: Born in Croatia, live (kinda) ...
First off, sorry for digging out this long-dead thread but I simply "had" to cool

It was always confusing for me when people ponder over the non-existing issues such as this one. Many posters have or had someone they are very close to, who they like a lot, feel comfortable with, and even discuss some very intimate details of their affairs. What stops them in bringing this relationship to something more than "just friends" is fear of losing that friendship.

I'm sorry, but this is stupid! Do you realise that you are already where couples in full-fledged relationships are minus that important part called sex? You're friends because he/she trusts you, likes to be with you, and generally see qualities he/she would be looking for in their long-term partners. So there should be no problems in asking if your friend is ready/willing to take that friendship to a new level. I really see no need to go through hoops and loops - just ask, shouldn't be that hard.

If, for whatever the reason might be, your friend is not ready for it yet then no biggie. If, on the other hand, your friend starts acting offended and dissapointed with your proposal you should ask yourself how real your friendship actually was. No one, and I mean no one, should ever find this kind of offers offensive or disrespectful. You are offering the most intimate and vulnerable part of yourself. To any normal and mature person this can only be flattering.

Somewhat simillar to this is all those who say never to mix business and pleasure, ie one should never have a close (more than just professional) relationship with people they work with. Another load of crap! So I should miss the opportunity to have a fantastic affair (preferably more than just that!) with that drop-dead-gorgeous sweetie just because we happened to work at the same office? Gah! If I am not capable of handling the situation in mature and responsible fashion then if she was working for another company would make no difference at all.

Perhaps because of my general background, I hate uncertainities of this kind. One way or another, I simply have to find out where do I stand. When asked, some of my female friends said something like "I thought you would never ask", "I'm glad you did", or simply "why it took you so long?". Sometimes I would get "that's very sweet of you but no" kind of response. If you really like and respect the girl than you should be fine with that.

Bottom line, stop worrying and asking yourself all those what ifs - just go ahead and do it! Anything else would be like sitting in a rocking chair. It feels like you're moving but you're getting nowhere.
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